The 3 fastest ways of communication in the world are:

3. Tele-fax
2. Tele-phone
1. Tell-a-woman

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor.

After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics any problem they had with the airplane during the flight.

The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then explain in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken. The pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Here are some ‘actual’ maintenance problems submitted by Qantas pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers.

(P = The problem logged by the pilot)
(S = The solution and action taken by the engineer)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200
feet-per-minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That’s what they’re there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you’re right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be
serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds
like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget

PS: Is good to know that Qantas is a major airline that has never had an accident.

1. You work weird (night) shifts…
Just like prostitutes.

2. They pay you to make the client happy…
Just like a prostitute.

3. The client pays a lot of money, but your employer keeps almost every penny…
Just like a prostitute.

4. You are rewarded for fulfilling the client’s dreams…
Just like a prostitute.

5. Your friendships fall apart and you end up hanging out with people in the same profession as you…
Just like a prostitute.

6. When you have to meet the client you always have to be perfectly groomed…
Just like a prostitute.

7. But when you go back home it seems like you are coming back from hell…
Just like a prostitute.

8. The client always wants to pay less but expects incredible things from you…
Just like a prostitute.

9. When people ask you about your job, you have difficulties to explain it…
Just like a prostitute.

10. Everyday when you wake up, you say: “I’m not going to spent the rest of my life doing this.”
Just like a prostitute.

1. Only in America……can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America……are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America……do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America……do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
5. Only in America……do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America……do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America……do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America……do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America……do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’.
10. Only in America……do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
11. Only in America……can a homeless combat veteran live in a cardboard box and a draft dodger live in the White House.

Queen Elizabeth II, George W Bush & Traian Basescu (Romanian president) died & went straight to hell.
Queen Elizabeth II said “I miss Britain , I want to call Britain and see how everybody is doing there. She called and talked for about 5 minutes, then her Majesty asked “Well, Devil how much do I owe you? The devil replied “Five million dollars” She wrote him a cheque and went to sit back on her chair.
George Bush was so jealous, he began screaming, “My turn! I wanna call the United States, I want to see how everybody is doing there too” He called and talked for about 10 minutes, then he asked “Well, Devil how much do I owe you? The devil replied “Ten million dollars” With a smug look on his face, he made a cheque and went to sit back on his chair.
Traian Basescu was even more jealous & started screaming, “I want to call Romania , I want to see how everybody is doing there. I wanna talk to the ministers, to the deputy, I wanna talk to everybody”. He called Romania and he talked for about twenty hours, he talked & talked & talked, then he asked “Well, Devil how much do I owe you? The devil replied “One dollar”. Basescu is stunned & says “One dollar??? Only one lousy dollar??” The Devil says “Well if you make a call from one hell to another hell, it’s local”

Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one.
Michael J. Fox has a small one.
Madonna doesn’t have one.
The Pope has one but doesn’t use it.
Clintonuses his all the time.
Bush is one
Mickey Mouse has an unusual one.
Liberace never used his on women.
Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his.
Cherclaims that she took on 3.
We never saw Lucy use Desi’s.

What is it? Please comment

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. British Constitution
3. Passive-aggressive disorder

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don’t want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more beer for me.
3. Sorry, but you’re not really my type.
4. Good evening, officer. Isn’t it lovely out tonight?
5. Oh, I couldn’t. No one wants to hear me sing.

A hamster and a rat were sitting on the side of a swimming pool.
They were enjoying the sun. Suddenly the rat turned to the hamster and asked him:

Dude, How come people consider me a noisance, and you a pet?
How come people pay money to have you, while they are trying to kill me?
How come you are considered a cute little animal, while I am
considered creepy and disgusting?
How come you live in a warm home, and I have to stay in the sewer?

So the hamster answered:

“It s branding, dude.”

People get pranked with fake blood coming out of showers.

The European Commission have just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German,which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty’s government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5 year phase in plan that would be known as “EuroEnglish”.

In the first year, “s” will replace the soft “c”.. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.

The hard “c” will be dropped in favor of the “k”. This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome “ph” will be replaced with the “f”. This will make words like “fotograf” 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent “e”’s in the language is disgraceful, and they should go away.

By the 4th yar, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing “th” with “z” and “w” with “v”.

During ze fifz year, ze unesesary “o” kan be dropd from vords kontaiining “ou” and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz year, ve vil hav a reali sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.

ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU!!

1. Taoism: Shit happens.
2. Buddhism: If shit happens, it isn’t really shit.
3. Catholicism: If shit happens, you deserve it.
4. Protestantism: Let shit happen to someone else.
5. Judaism: Why does this shit always happen to us?
6. Seventh Day Adventism: No shit shall happen on Saturday.
7. Creationism: God made all shit.
8. Unitarianism: Come! Let us reason together about this shit.
9. Quakers: Let us not fight over this shit.
10. Darwinism: This shit was once food.
11. Capitalism: That’s MY shit.
12. Communism: It’s everybody’s shit.
13. Commercialism: Let’s package this shit.
14. Existentialism: Shit doesn’t happen; shit IS.
15. Existentialism #2: What is shit, anyway?
16. Stoicism: This shit is good for me.
17. Hedonism: There is nothing like a good shit happening!
18. Atheism: What shit?
19. Nihilism: No shit.
20. Capitalism: When shit happens, it’ll cost you!
21. Environmentalism: Shit happens, but it’s biodegradable.
22. Voodoo: Shit doesn’t just happen : somebody dumped it on you.
23. Kama sutra: F**k this shit.

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: “Free to good home. You want it, you take it.” For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal. It looked to good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: “Fridge for sale $50.” The next day someone stole it. Caution…